fly me to a field of sunflower.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Selfish. Demanding. Self-centred. Ego. And what not.

Probably thats who I am. Do I deserve any perfect guy in this world? Probably no.

Being in a second relationship, second love, hasnt been making me the best person or the perfect girl in anyone's eyes, even to him or to myself. But then again, my first love didnt made me the best person either. I would say that this relationship has taught me alot of things, of which the most is love. Love is to give and never expect anything in return. Love is to love with your whole heart, not just parts of it. So my question is, do I love him? Which brings another lesson to learn.. Love is to never question your love.

It had been 3 years. Its not always rainbows and butterflies. Lots of arguments and disagreements. Lots of tears and giving up. And I wonder how we still managed to stick together up to this day. I would safely say that he's not perfect. Not perfect in a sense that he has never been my dream guy or perfect in his characters and his way of life. But he's perfect to me. He fits in with my eccentric characters and blends in with my weaknesses. And I hope he knows this. Because not everyone can gets me, mostly the reason why i dont really have a lot of friends i guess.

But when today was supposed to be a good day, a day him and I should me looking forward to, it took yet another expected/unexpected turn. I remember the dats but he don't and suddenly we got into this huge argument. My fault, coz i started it all first. And then we started rambling blablabla... Until he said this, "this 3 years has not been the best 3 years of my life."

Something which a partner would never wanna hear ever in his/her life. It got me thinking though.. That flashback moments of bad and good memories between us and I thought to myself.. Really??

Because for that 3 years, I have cried countless of times. I have given up countless of times. And up till now, it HAS been the BEST 3 years of my life. But I think again and i realised that its the best years of MY life because Ive been all that words as mentioned in the first line.

So my question is.. Do I love him? Because I swear right now I feel guilty at a yes and a no.

Well, he said "I hope we both find the perfect someone." & I hope HE does. Coz in my eyes, he is perfect.

Its not over, yet. But if it does, I will be the one who lose the perfect someone. Coz sometimes, both cant win in a game. Thats the ultimate rule.

& I hope he knows that too.

♥ Thursday, October 16, 2014

Friday, August 23, 2013

If you ever are in a relationship that hurts you too much, probably its time for you to let it go. It doesnt matter whether you're right or you're wrong. What matters is your feelings.

There's no point working it out when at one point of time in the future, you're gonna be reminded of what had happened in the past. What's scary about the past is that, it never really leave you. It scarred your life, and leave a mark.

So when there's hurtful words that was embedded in your mind, or painful events that ever happened and lingers in your memory.. let the relationship go. Coz you cant let go of what had happened.. it stays with you. But save your heart for a better future.

♥ Friday, August 23, 2013

If I were to say that life is not fair, it would be an unfair judgement. Coz im pretty much lucky being born in a peaceful country with daily needs provided. I guess, im just not lucky being around people.

Since young, i've never had real friends. Sure I have friends who i can joke around with. I have friends who i can just go out and have lunch. But do I have a friend that will stand by me and listen to me when im sad? i dont have a friend that i can just give a call or a text away. I've never had one in my whole entire life.

As for my family.. We're close but its as though there's an invisible line that separates all of us. We're not united. Though im thankful i have them, there are times i wish my family would be different.

Love life? I guess.. its not even part of my destiny to begin with. There are bound to be wrongs in myself.

I feel useless all the time. Worthless. Im not worth to be a friend, a daughter and even someone's other half. There are times i felt lucky, and i was always hopeful it would last forever. But that's just my life. 21 years have passed.. and i dont even know why i was even born in this world.

I wish everyime i feel like killing myself, i have the courage to do that. Without thinking of sins and the hereafter. I wish i have that ounce of courage just to pop a bottle of pills, or slash myself. I want to leave this world. Im ready. Please take me away.

♥ Friday, August 23, 2013

Friday, March 15, 2013

Sometimes, you know the best thing to do is to let go. But for some reason, you can't. Maybe you don't love him anymore or maybe you were just in denial, but a part of you just don't want to fight for the relationship anymore. Then, there's another part of you.. screaming at you to hold on. Its that "lonely heart" of yours. Because you know that, when you let him go, you have to go through the painful stages of heartbreak and being independent all over again. Those sleepless nights accompanied by your tears for as long as your heart hurts.

People say that you can always love all over again. Starting right back from the start. But that would have been a lie. When you love someone, you'll always love them, no matter what. The question here is whether you're still willing to fight for the relationship or not. People get tired over time due to constant arguments, mostly of the same damn thing, and hence they walk away reasoning with the most simple reason; by saying they don't love the person anymore. People get bored with their partners prolly because of their hectic schedule or boring dates or whatever, and feel there's no way they're gonna wait and wait. They turn their backs and walk away by saying "I don't love you anymore".

As for me, it's only for the best of him. A part of me want this, because our relationship was good. A part of me don't, because I'm just.. tired. I'm tired because I realised that he have stop fighting for us for quite awhile. I realised that he's not the guy who'll try to make things okay again. I know I can't always expect him to do it. But it's been awhile. For I have learnt to let go my past, don't I deserve the second chance? For I have learnt to love him with my whole heart now, must he still be the guy that is so cold and don't care about us?

He would have willingly let go of something, just to be with me in the past. But now, it's as though Im demanding his time. So now I want to know. What is best for him? Should I stay or should I go?

♥ Friday, March 15, 2013

Sunday, January 6, 2013

2013 is finally here. Im already missing 2012. There are things I wished I didnt do or I wished I'd have spent 2012 better. But everyone have their regrets and life still goes on..

I predict that this year will be a hectic year for me and him. Him going thru his final lap in RP while me... Still working on my future. But i'll know mine soon.. In a few days time.. Which I am so not looking forward.

Yes, the result. I guess I know what the results gonna be but Im still hoping that a miracle could happen. Haha oh dream on. Well, whatever it is, I have my future planned out(insyaAllah). But my mind won't stop thinking which really infuriates me.

There are many things I want to achieve this year. Many. But everytime I listed down all of it, eventually I had to cross it all out as it comes down to that one very thing which makes me think twice and more; marriage.

I have to start saving. Im supposed to start it last year but till now, I didnt. I have to stop procrastinating because this is my future. Im talking about in a year or two and yet Im still delaying and taking my own sweet time.

Anyway Im just gonna list down the things I wanted to achieve this year. Who knows I might actually achieve it despite all odds? Being a stubborn and will-get-it-no-matter-what girl, it doesn't seem impossible, right? (;

1) car license (and cont. bike license if possible)
2) another diploma or degree (still in consideration)
3) to have a picnic with my love by the beach
4) if my future career permits, i will start wearing hijab this year (insyaAllah)
5) save at least $6000 this year
6) revamp my room. New furniture. Own tv. New wall. With my own money.
7) wanna go overseas trip with friends (sadly, i dont know anyone who's up for it. If you do, please tell me. ):)
8) getting back to my 44kg figure. Or at least a 50kg.
9) buy my own car (very ambitious but im just gonna add it in)
10) invisalign (top priority)
11) visit my best friend when she's overseas for her study

Ahhhh, hopefully I get to achieve at least half of it. Oh yes, the last one. I am truly despondent on the fact that my best friend is going away. On my birthday. It doesnt actually matter when she's leaving, she still leave and that upset me. Im happy for her of course but.. The thought of her not here.. Hmmm..

I don't know how to explain. I constantly whine at my poor boy regarding this and i dont know if he understands or not. Hahaha. Its just that.. Even though i didnt meet her as often, but just knowing that she's near me is enough. And now that she's leaving, its as if i lost part of my life. Very cliche and no, im not lesbian. She's just someone i really treasure. I practically know her my whole life and only those who have the kind of friend will understand me. Im gonna miss her, very very much.

♥ Sunday, January 06, 2013

Sunday, December 9, 2012

Don’t care if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend right now.

I don’t care if you are a guy or a woman .

Just read this, it will make a difference.

If only everyone could see this and understand it.

When she starts cursing at you trying to act all tough
Kiss her and tell her you love her

When she’s quiet
Ask her whats wrong

When she ignores you
Give her your attention

When she pulls away
Pull her back

When you see her at her worst
Tell her she’s beautiful

When you see her start crying
Just hold her and don’t say a word

When you see her walking
Sneak up and hug her waist from behind

When she’s scared
Protect her

When she steals your favorite hoodie
Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night

When she teases you
Tease her back and make her laugh

When she doesn’t answer for a long time
reassure her that everything is okay

When she looks at you with doubt
Back yourself up

When she says that she loves you
she really does more than you can understand

When she grabs at your hands
Hold her’s and play with her fingers

When she bumps into you;
bump into her back and make her laugh

When she tells you a secret
keep it safe and untold

When she looks at you in your eyes
dont look away until she does

When she says it’s over
she still wants you to be hers

When she reposts this bulletin
she wants you to read it

- Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything

- When she’s mad hug her tight and don’t let go

- When she says she’s ok don’t believe it, talk with her because 10 yrs later she’ll remember you

- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her

-Treat her like she’s all that matters to you

- Stay up all night with her when she’s sick

- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think it’s stupid

- Give her the world.

- Let her wear your clothes

-When she’s bored and sad, hang out with her

-Let her know she’s important.

- Don’t talk about other girls around her

- Kiss her in the pouring rain

- When she runs up to you crying, the first thing you say is:
“Whose ass am i kicking baby?”

♥ Sunday, December 09, 2012

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Who could have possibly imagine that the person whom you thought will never hurt you, actually stab you at the front at the most unexpected time?

A quarrel that seems so small and common, but it can become so big and hurt your feelings. No matter how big the fight is, i believe everyone should have the heart to save someone's heart.

It hurts sooo much. For it was the first time and it had to be on the day we were always looking forward to.. Was I that much of a bitch in someone eyes that I can't even get a slightest bit of happiness on a special occasion?

To hear all that the moment you speak.. I realised I was that worthless in your eyes.

I don't see the effort or the sincerity in you to want me back in your life. I dont see the seriousness in your eyes.. I dont see the willingness in you trying to make me stay.. Maybe, you want to let me go afterall.

Maybe someday, when you found someone that you really love, you'll know what its like to take care of her heart. Im just not her.

& its breaking every little piece of me inside..

♥ Wednesday, October 17, 2012