Time check, 3.16AM. I am still wide awake thanks to my miserable heart. Nonono, nothing to do with the twenty second. I was actually happy throughout the whole day on twentysecond. No thoughts, no tears, no flashbacks.. nothing. Im simply happy though it needs a little bit of forced. Either way, I made it. (:Anywaaay, the reason for my miserable heart, yes. It was totally a lame thing. I was trying to get my mind busy and not to think of anything in the middle of the night, and I actually decided to think what I really want to do after I graduated. I can't believe that simple thing actually made me feel restless and upset till now!I have to be honest that I am really unprepared to be fully independent. Who does anyway. While majorities are waiting anxiously to get out from RP, I am otherwise instead. I absolutely love being in rp. Come onnnn, it's not that bad! Yes, the PPTs, the facis can be such a boredom. But look at RP in a total different perspective. I don't understand why people abhore RP. -.- Its either they really took RP's study life way too serious or they are just people who have not experienced being an independent full time worker.Sidetracked. Well, what Im about to say is.. I have decided to further my study. I actually thought of taking up another diploma in RP because I really don't see a promising future with my current diploma. I swear I dont even know why did I take it in the first place. OH wait, I took it because at that point of time, I never thought the slightest bit about my future. Anyway, due to certain circumstances, a part of me slightly wish I will not see RP again after graduation. And of course, I'll be one of the "old aunty" going to school. Hahahahaha. Im not being stereotype or what, but I just don't like the idea of being one of the eldest in the class. So, taking up another diploma is definitely a nono. Not even in other poly(s) because I cannot stand lectures.So, university it is. Very..... demoralising, I know. The fact that at the rate of where I am now, I am far from even stepping on to the universities floor. Now that Im having my final year, and going to have my very last semester in RP, I finally realised the big dark hole I have created for myself. I actually looked at all the university's criteria and wow, I don't know how am I ever going to achieve it. Then.. a moment of stunt followed by the regrets, the disappointment and etc.I can make it to international university though. I did visualised myself going to Griffith University in Australia or Monash University just because I wanted to go Australia. BUT I changed my mind. I am not going anywhere but Singapore. One, I am very dependent on my family and friends. I cannot stand being alone. So, alone in Australia is totally out of the question. Two, money. I cannot depend on my parents to pay for it. Three, I have decided that I want to join Silat back. It's been my passion since I was a kid. But I quited when I was young because I had no friends. Well, technically I have but.. I just don't like being around them because they are "too wild" for me. I am decent, yes. Then, I joined back at RP only for awhile. After things happened, it's best for me not to be a part of them anymore. So yes, I want to be back in Silat. And the only way to do it is to be here, in Singapore.The main objective of this post is to tell all the young kids out there, to plan out your future wisely and start early! I was once like you guys, getting irritated by teachers and parents who keep nagging at us to study hard and plan my future but I was, like all of you guys, too stubborn and take life easy because our life WAS easy at that point of time. It's only when you almost reached the ending point of being dependable on people, a point where you got to face life alone, that's when you'll start to think about your future. It may be too late.As for me, I can't do anything much now. Have to ace my last semester and wish my life all the best. I wonder if RP have a system whereby we can extend a semester or two to pull up our GPA? I don't mind staying another year in RP but NOT three. Gotta start searching of ways out to solve my last minute of stupidity.Help me out somebody. Just being honest,D.

♥ Saturday, July 23, 2011

One tree hill isn't about the metropolitanism. It's isn't about popularity. It's not just another fantasy movies like Cinderella or Sleeping beauty. One tree hill speaks about reality in life. It's a combination of love, lost, chances.. basically everything that sums up to life. It taught us how to deal with it.

I want to be like Nathan and Hailey, a true love. Age does not matter. It doesn't matter how young you are. You do what your heart feels right. At the age of just 16/17, they fell in love. But that doesn't stop them from being together. Despite the strong opposition from Nathan's parent, they stay as one because they believe they can make it. They went through a hard time; school, major exam, money and even their individual dreams, they fleet through the obstacles with perseverance. Despite Hailey leaving Nathan at one point of time to pursue her dream as a singer, but she knew that Nathan was much more important in her life and she sacrificed it for love. Nathan, who were broken, mad and disappointed at Hailey for leaving him, learnt to forgive and accepted her in his life back. They trusted each other despite the gossips, lies that were thrown to them. With all that plus their deep love towards each other, they made through everything. No, it's not a fairytale. What happened in the story does happen in reality. Problems with money, individuals having their own dreams to pursue, the hypocrites/backstabbers who always seek opportunities to ruin ones relationship. But One Tree Hill taught us that we can overcome all of that.

I want to feel the love like Lucas and Peyton felt. Another true, strong love. Two people who are meant to be. But it's totally the opposite of Nathan and Hailey. Lucas, who fall for peyton since the first time set eyes on her, was never existed in peyton's life. But they eventually became friends. Peyton did fall for Lucas but it was a tad too late when her best friend, brooke, got him first. Not wanting to break her best friend's heart, she kept silent. However, truth will always be revealed in one way or another. They didn't get together though because Peyton treasure her friendship more than anything else. They went on in different path of life but stayed as friends. There was one thing though, Lucas was always there to save Peyton's life. Lucas was always there on Peyton's side. Only on one night, did Lucas realised that it's her that he wants to be with when all his dreams came true. After so long since everyone waited for it to happened, it eventually happened. Lucas and Peyton, are together. But it doesn't stop there. They fall apart after Peyton was working in another states. Peyton think that it will never work out for them. Lucas, heartbroken, eventually found someone else. Peyton realised her huge mistake and came back only to realise that she was too late. She was not forgiven nor was she given any chance to be in Lucas's life again. But everyone knew, the love was still there in both of them. They knew, Lucas and Peyton are meant to be. It's always and will always be Lucas and Peyton. Lucas cannot lie with his own heart and at last, they got married. In their part of story, One tree hill taught us that what's meant to be, will be. It may take a hell of lifetime for it to happen, but it will happen. One's heart will feel insecured at some point of time but one will realised what the heart truly yearns. And all it takes for things to fall into its place is to get rid of the ego.

I want a best friend like Lucas and Haylie. One that does not discriminate, does not judge and loyal to a friend. Despite having issues with Nathan, Lucas still supported Haylie because her happiness is what matters. Though Haylie or Lucas made mistakes, be it small or big, they forgive one another and was always there to defend one another. One never gives a second thought when the other one needs help. When one leaves, their friendship never ended but stays the same. Secrecy was out of the question, they're always sharing their problems. They're the best example of true friends. One who always have their shoulders prepared to be cried on, ears to listen, a voice to be heard, two arms always ready for an embrace and a space in one's heart only for the other one. True friends are hard to find but it exist.

I want to get to know someone like Brooke. Behind the party wild girl, lies a girl who have so much more to offer in life. A strong, determined, successful brooke who fights for her rights and her friends. Despite not having a perfect family, being brought up independently with only her parents money but not love, she knew what is right and wrong. Instead of being driven to the spoilt life, she used her talent to be a successful person. A person once people thought of as useless, wild bitch was actually a person with a big heart filled with humanity and love. In reality, those who comes from a broken family often give up in life. Those who strayed on the streets killing their body with drugs, quiiting schools halfway and all that with a reason that they came from a broken family. Well, One Tree Hill taught us that it doesn't matter how bad your life is, how ruined your family, life does not give a chance to those who gave up.

I want to be as strong as Karen. Being left pregnant at a very young age, and having to support the baby alone. She'd went through tough time those days and she could never forget her first love. Though it was cruel of him to do that to her, she forgave him after almost 20 years of coming back to her life. She also did not realised that her love of the life was just standing right infront of her all those years in her life, her best friend. But when she finally realised her love towards him, he died. Things happened in life. Well, like what I have just said earlies, age does not matter in life. She finally found someone. It may not be her first love, or her soulmate and she may not be young but life will reward you someone, if you have faith.

There's a hell lot of things we can learnt from these characters. Each one of them taught us different things but they actually have one purpose, to teach us how to deal with life. It is a very moving story, one that could make you relate to your own life and leave you to ponder about it. A story that makes you smile and laugh in every minute but can makes you tear up the next minute.

A totally must watch series. (:

Just being honest,

D.

♥ Thursday, July 21, 2011

When people say life is unfair, how do you come to the term that it is truly unfair? Is it because the current situation doesn't happen the way you want it to be, and immediately, your mindset tells you that life is indeed unfair? But then, comes along these statement that seems to contradict the whole thing; "God has better plan for you."

So one's life is on the negative side and he'll rant how unfair life is given to his situation. His friend told him not to brood over it as things will be okay and "God has better plan" for him. One day, indeed, his life changed completely. He gets a better prospect then what he asked for, and life seems so surreal for him. So is life truly unfair?

Sometimes, we tend to think negative when we're being "tested" more than what we can offer to life. When we can't seem to do things that is over our ability, we blame the world for being unfair to us. But when things get better and we manage to overcome our difficulties, life is actually giving us what we have always wanted. It's only the matter of time and effort. So where does the unfairness of life lies on?

"Life is unfair" seems to be a quote or a phrase among the society to describe a calamity that happens to us at that precise moment. But truly, we are being unfair to the world, to life, for not giving justice for it to prove that it has better plans for us.

How about we stick to "Time is all it takes."?

Give a spare thought to life; to what it had and has been offering to you since you were born.

 

Just being honest,

D.

♥ Friday, July 15, 2011

At the age of 18, probably 3/4s of these teenagers have experienced heartbreak. Be it a long relationship or a short one, real feelings involved or just a fling, or simply even just as a crush, each of us have gone through those heart aching moments in our life. What really happen after it ends?

You cried your hearts out till you're drained and fell asleep. You wake up the next morning, stare at the ceiling, recalling what just happened in your life and wish it was all just a dream. Then, you realised it was all real. You stare at your phone hoping that there's a message by your partner saying how it was a mistake and wants to be with you again, but no, your phone simply stare at you back, nothing but the wallpaper.

You go through the day with a sullen face, eyes red and it keeps getting wet every minute. You try to look fine but you're not. You try to do anything that you have always been doing but your mind was filled with the past memories, the Break Up moments, your regrets and what should have been if you have said or done things differently.

You walk through a place that you and your partner used to spend time together; a park, canteen, class, hall way.. anywhere and your mind lingers to those precious moments. His/her favourite food, the song that used to be "our" song, inside jokes, hobbies, or even the smell of your partner.. it all suddenly came to you and you realised how much you miss your partner.

You buy the things that reminded of him/her. You kept his/her pictures and bring it everywhere with you. You kept a special piece of remnants that he/she once gave you or something that belongs to them and you hold it tight, not keeping it out of sight even for a second. And when your friend rants happily about how happy they are with their partner, you smile and be happy for them but deep inside, your heart aches because you used to be in their shoes.

It happens for as long as your heart aches; a day, a week, a month.. for as long as it aches, you won't be able to move on. But it's not really the time that matters. It's how you deal with it.

I am not afraid or embarrassed to admit that whatever I have described, yes that's exactly how I have dealt with things till this very second. It may be months since it happened but I am still aching. It's funny how I try to hide what I really feel infront of my family and friends. It's funny that Im trying to act all okay when they talk about their partner, when his name was mention, when people show and tell me how happy they are. I forced myself to give another try with guys only to fail it halfway. I simply keep my mouth shut when all I wanna do is rant about how much it hurts because nobody would want to listen to my lame rants and see me cry over something that had happened a long time ago.

Yes, I want to cry on someone's shoulder so bad. I want to rant and let everything out that I have been keeping inside me. I want someone to listen to me. I want someone to know that I am not okay. I want someone to hug me and tell me that everything will be okay. I need that someone.

It's funny that I have many people that I can talk or rely on, but I can't simply find a person who will sit infront of me, eye-to-eye with me and tell me, "Im here. Now tell me what's wrong."

As time goes by, I realised the only person that I can rely on is myself. I tell myself every single day that today, I'll make it through just like the past many days. Hell yeah, it works. & I've been dealing with it alone.

 

Just being honest,

D.

 

♥ Wednesday, July 13, 2011

To think back of how I reacted to all those that had happened, I realised I was being foolish. How far can I run and avoid the world out there? No matter where I go or what I do, I can't stop people from talking about me, I can't stop people from hating me and I can't erase history. So, right at this moment, Im facing the world with dignity, tearing down the walls that I've built around me and let them challenge me in my face. This time, Im facing the truth and the harshness of the reality in life.

Yes, things happened. My love story is somewhat similar like any other break up stories, on the surface. But beneath it all, I know what really happened. Family, friends, foes, haters, whoever that knows us might thing it was just another teenage love story. No matter how much support I get from the closest ones, I know deep inside their heart, no matter how small it is, they believe that our love wasn't real.

They can say or think whatever they like. They can just simply hide their thoughts within them or be upfront about it with me, but truth be told, only I know how does it feel. Sure, in some people's eyes, Im the "bad" one, always hurting, always take him for granted. Same goes to the other some of people's eyes, they see him as the one who is not meant for me, the one who have hurt me.

Well.. let's just say.. we were both hurt with each other. We made mistakes, too many in fact, that at one point of time, one of us eventually gave up. It's part and parcel of life. Too many dramas, too many arguments, nobody can ever endure it. Just like how it happened to us. So, what's the big deal? Break up happens. That doesn't mean our love wasn't real.

Now, take a step back and look at the holistic view of our relationship. Was it really like any of those guys who break up because one has lost the spark of the relationship, or was it one of those who always quarrels over the littlest thing and just believe that they can never work it out or perhaps, it was one of those who dumps his/her partner because he/she had enough of the nonsense in a relationship? Technically, yes, that was all the reason for our break up. But our storyline from the beginning that leads to this ending, was nothing like any other normal relationship.

Looking at the couples out there, it gives me a little bit of hope on love, though I am not expecting it anytime soon. There are people out there who went through tougher than what me and him had went through, yet still are together. With all due of my respect, they deserves a pat on the back.

I don't know what's the main point of me typing all this on my first entry. I guess, I just want people out there to know that my broken relationship used to be real. It doesn't matter how fast it ended or how bad it ended, but I believe that me and him used to share a great special feeling with each other.

It may be lost. It may be gone forever and it might not happen again. But it did happened and all I need was a bit of respect from people, especially to those close to me, about us. You can simply take our relationship as just a stupid puppy teenage love, or believe that our relationship was just a fling, or think that we took it as a joke. You can simply hated me or him for what happened in the midst of all of it, or thinks that we are not mature enough to be in a relationship, or even think that we're not meant to be. Yes, think and believe all you want. But we deserve some sort of acknowledgement, that I was once, the girl that he fell in love with, and he was once the boy I fell in love with. We used to be happy, we used to be there for each other. But it happened once upon a time ago, and we're looking at the present and heading towards the future now.

*You can pass this blog around, show it to the world, to my haters, to the people who are part of him about my life. But believe me, whatever I said, it's the truth. I seek for clarity that I am not sulking over the past. It's about you having to digest and mature your brain that whatever that had happened, it was the past, and yes it did happened.

 

Just being honest,

D.

♥ Monday, July 11, 2011