It's just like a repeated scene. It's like how you watch your favourite movie; once is just not enough. Except that this time, it's not the scene that I ever wanted to see again, yet it happened. With the same girl, different guy.

I heard of this quote, "You never know what you have, until it's gone." The thing is, I know what I have. I've always known what I have. Yet, I always seems to lost the best.

Tell me how do you make someone who have lost the love he once feel, to fall in love all over again with the same person? Possible, yes. But it is also not possible that he'll lose it once again in the long run.

I'd been there. He lost it. And I tried so hard to let him found the love back. I did everything I could, to the extend that I let go my ego, I forgot my about self worth. But where did it lead to in the end?

I regret. I'm learning to live life without regret. But this time, I regret. I just lost someone who meant the world to me. I may not have said the three words to him, I may not have shown him my affection to the fullest, I may not treat him my best, but he's the guy that makes my world colourful all over again.

He may not be the one that decides to leave. But I dont want him to find it and lost the love again in the future. Not with me.

I need someone who will love me right from the start to end. Despite my flaws, despite my imperfections, his love is still there.

For now, I guess.. it's just me, myself and I. Back to... the past.

♥ Monday, May 28, 2012

Sometimes, if you're lucky, you just soar through and reach your destination without any disruptions, without any red lights. But sometimes, there's so many red lights that you have to stop and wait and you end up having to take the long way just to reach to your destination.

Sometimes, you got everything all planned out. Yet, to achieve it takes a lot more of effort than it seems. People say, good things take times. They also say, nothing is easy. But nobody warns me that along the way, you're gonna lose some people, you're gonna be hated, you're gonna have to please people's life in order to get where you want to be.

Sometimes, the place that you thought is good for you, may not be the place that you're meant to end up at all. You thought that you're good enough to take up the responsibility, you thought that you can please anyone just by doing a good job. But no, nobody warns me that no matter how good you are, how much effort you put in, if people can't accept you, you can't do anything.

Sometimes, no matter how much you want to stay, no matter how much you like what you're doing, you just have to let it go. Yourself matters, your feelings matters. If you keep getting upset and feel that you're never good enough, it's time for you to leave.

People gonna hate you for no reason. People gonna judge you anywhere, everywhere. People gonna make you happy or regret. But there's one thing I'd learn from my mistake; you can't please everyone.

Like how Dave Pelzer put it, "When you please others in hopes of being accepted, you lose your self-worth in the process."

 

♥ Saturday, May 26, 2012

When you dont have someone to rant to, just know that you'll always have something to talk to. It may not be the same but at least it's better than keeping it in your heart.

For me, I have my blog whenever I dont have any listening ears around me. And today, is one of those days Im turning to my blog because I really need to something to vent my anger today.

Daily rantings on my blog had became a norm in my life once upon a time. But slowly, I minimised the amount of things i rant as I realised it's not a good thing to tell the whole world what's going on with my life. I began to keep everything inside.

But today.. Today i wanna let out how my day went. Well, I have 3 more working days till I officially left the place. But these 3 days seems to take forever. Today was okay, it was practically empty in the morning but when i was left alone in the afternoon, people were gradually coming in and there were a lot of orders. I swear I almost reached to my fatigue stage by evening running in between kitchen and the counter. On top of that, there were a number of kids who totally made my day even worst. Why of all days, must I experience all of this at once?!

I was left breathless by evening. In the midst of the busy timing, I wanted some help but well, who can I actually ask for.

To make my day even worst than it already is, I checked my schedule only to realise that I'll be working a full shift on Saturday when I have been looking forward to it all week because like finally, I was able to get home from work early. I was fuming with anger and the customers wasn't helping worh cooling me down at all.

So, I was hoping that at least someone would make my day better. Despite the fact that I was left alone since afternoon, I understand enough to let him go for his training and waited till he comes late in the evening as always. Yes, despite me desperate for help, I resist myself from asking for his help. But I should have known that when it comes to him, I shouldn't have expected anything at all. I shouldn't even have any expectations or hopes.

Why did I always forget that? After months, I should have known that he's not the person that I could lay any expectations on. Yet again, over and over again, I put myself in a hopeless hope.

Im tired of having to get angry at something he did repeatedly. Im tired of his excuses and sorry(s) that makes me feel guilty at the end of the day. Im tired of his countless promise and "I wont do it again".

Maybe now is just not the time yet. Maybe I should just let go and let him enjoy his life. Maybe when he's over and done with all his activities, he'll eventually be there whenever I needed him too.

Oh, what's new. I've always been the second in the list. Its okay, everything else comes first when it comes to me in a guy's life.

♥ Thursday, May 24, 2012

Maybe I didnt try hard enough, maybe I was really not up to the standards, maybe they all just hate me for some reasons that I didnt know, or maybe with all the millions of other possibilities, it's just not meant to be.

Every single day, I keep asking myself, what is it that I lacked? Why was I reacting this way every single time I was there? And I bet, many would be surprised to see how I was not myself, whenever I spent my time there.

Where did all my enthusiasm, my hyperactiveness, my loud voice, my stupid lame jokes, basically.. Where did "myself" lost to the minute I was with them? I became sullen, quiet, brooding over nothing, sensitive and all the negative attributes.

But I tried. I tried real hard to push myself to be among them. And maybe, if not much, but I guess I did manage to break down the barrier. But every single time I break it down, they put it up back. Perhaps, they should realised that I was the one who needs the feel of comfort and to be welcomed when it was quite obvious that I was the "new" girl.

Why do they have to make it so hard? Why must I or the rest of other new girls keep up with their standards? Why must we always have to be "perfect" when I thought every experience is a learning process? Why is it that we have to put in the effort to push ourselves so that we will be accepted by them? Why can't they simply welcome us and treat us like one of them? Why can't we teach and learn things together? Why can't tey just stop gossiping and talking about other people behind their back?

I remembered my first few days there and i posted "Its not the management that sucks, but the problem lies with the colleagues working with each other."

Maybe it just affects me. But I personally think it was very immature with all the nonsensical actions. And, yes, Im out from it because I have strong beliefs in justice. Oh how relieved I feel now.

♥ Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Me.
One day..
We became friends.
Me and you.
We chat, we talk, we laugh.. Closer and closer.
We met, our first date.. Beach.
You drunk, i was there.
Our first kiss.
Video calls.
My first I Love You, school.. Lift.
My birthday, video, movies.
Valentines, surprises, double date.
Dining room.. 22nd.. 1+pm.
Us.
Happy.. Bliss..
Ring.. "take care of it like you're holding me"
"Did you know that if you stare at the person's eyes for a long time, you will fall deeper for the person?"
Our eyes met.. And we did.
Perfect.. Happy.. Us.
You cry.. You miss your dad.
You look at me.. Said i was a gift sent by him.
I was once your angel, your saviour.
We fight.. We parted.. We came back.
It's no longer perfect.
But we're holding on.
Hari raya.. An image of a perfect us.
Your birthday.. Surprises.. You were happy.
One day.. First day of school.
Its gone.
Over.
Hurt.
Pain.
Tears.
Regrets.
Me.

Forget.

♥ Monday, May 21, 2012