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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Year is coming to an end soon. 2011, I must say it is a very important year for me. My final year in school, my final step before I start my life as a working adult. School will be over for me soon, yet I have not figured out what I want to do. I wanted to continue study, I wanted to start working, I wanted this, I wanted that. But with all the possibilities, there's a restriction. Truth is, my life is troublesome as it is.

But put that aside, 2011 have been a good year. Alhamdullilah. Started my year with internship, thinking I made the right choice to "run away" from school, was a mistake I didn't regret making. During the internship, I met a great, knowledgeable guy that will always be embedded in my memory. He taught me a lot of things about life, to succeed in life. Without him, I would not have settled this far in school, trying hard to achieve good daily grades, trying to get a good GPA though I really think it's too late by now.

This year itself, I did a lot of things.
- Went for a vietnam trip with rp people, making lots of awesome friends, shopping like mad over there.
- Went to vietnam again in the mid year with mum just to purchase my dream raya outfit
- Went for nomad camp where I make new friends again though they were all younger than me.
- I think this year was the most number of time I stepped into the cinema
- I have the best job in the world (In gym and used to work at pool too)
- I finally manage to go Kampung at Kedah and met my long-distance relative there. Along the way, we went to KL, Cameron highland and Melaka too.
- Went to KL countless times
- Hari raya 6th generation celebration with relative
- My last teen years, birthday was awesome with the beloved people around me
- I met someone who makes the best of my remaining year a happy one for me, bumble bee <3

There's a lot more which I forgot to state down. But 2011 was definitely tiring, yet a fun, smooth sailing ride year.

2012 would be a better year. Despite that I'll be leaving my favourite second home, RP, I know it will be a better year for me. And this time, I don't want to make a new resolutions for the new year. Instead, there's a looooooooong list of wishlist I want to satisfy myself. Yes, that's what I want to do.




♥ Wednesday, December 07, 2011



Sometimes, we won't really realized something about us until a person told us. I realized something that I'd been missing or perhaps lack of, today. I thought I did my part very well. I thought I managed to make one feel secured. No, I failed. And I only find out when I can't do anything about it, because it's over and done. Did my mistake for this played a part in the reason for the price I have to pay till today?

I guess reassuring someone is not as easy as how it looks like. It's more than just applying the 5 languages of love - Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts.

Maybe my words wasn't strong enough, maybe I lack in spending quality time, maybe my acts of service was unclear, maybe the gifts i bought wasn't much.. I don't know what but due to this lacking in myself to express love, I failed to love and be loved.

Perhaps, it's just not me to express love clearly and all the time. It's not me to show the world how much I love the person. Even when I go out with a guy, I resist myself from being to clingy, if possible no physical contact with one another, not even holding hands. Yes, that's just me. I don't like to express my love that way.

My strong areas would have been my words. But I know, words only is not enough. Worst, Im not good at reassuring someone with words. I don't know what they want. I simply don't know how to make someone feel secured.

But I'm gonna try. I'm gonna keep trying till I succeed. I am no doctor love. I am just another girl who wants to love and be loved. I am still learning the meaning of love. It's not easy but I will learn to love one day.

My past definitely taught me a better way of living for me. Even if it took just seconds, even if it's nothing special, just for a moment that I crossed your mind, I felt pure bliss. Knowing that you did not forget me, thank you. Knowing that I try, though it wasn't enough for you, but you did say I tried, thank you.






♥ Wednesday, December 07, 2011


Friday, December 2, 2011

Love shouldn’t be something you can define, or even explain. Love could be so much more, or less than you think of.

Love isn’t just about a ‘special someone’. Love isn’t just a ‘crush’. Love is more than just a four letter word. Love is more than just ‘you and me’. Love is a feeling. Love is a spark. Love is intimate, close, loving. Love is caring. Love is priority. Love is sympathetic. Love is commitment. Love is faithful. Love is your boyfriend or your girlfriend.

But to be honest, love is also stupid. Love is hard. Love is time-wasting. Love is brain-washing. Love is unkind. Love is hypocritical. Love is cruel. Love is angry. Love is frustrating. Love is discriminating. Love is powerful yet powerless. Love is hurtful, painful, skillful. Love is intentional. Love is accidental. Love is messy. Love is rushed. Love is overused. Overrated. Under-estimated.

Love can be all those things at once, and it hits you without you even knowing. Worst thing is, love can be all those things at once, yet we humans need it.

Love isn’t just a feeling between you and a boy. Love isn’t just about having sex and getting called ‘babe’. Yet all the juniors at our school, age fourteen, fifteen, or even worse, thirteen, throwing around the word ‘love’? Do you even know what love is? I’ve been living on this earth for nearly 18 years and I don’t even know what love is. So really, our minds all work the same regardless on the age, our meaning of ‘love’ is so immature, so limited, that we simply just use that word to describe anything as mini as a crush.

The word love is so overused that sometimes it doesn’t even mean anything anymore. Love. Love. Love. I love you. I really love you. I wish people can put their life into them when they say it to someone. That they truly mean it from the bottom of their heart. That when they say I love you; its also a promise to be able to sacrifice anything for them.

It’s hard to appreciate something when you’re grasping it with your hands. It’s hard to be thankful for what you have. Because no matter who we are, what age we are, we are all immature at some points, and as our lives change, we don’t learn to not be immature, but we learn to feel that maturity will be the only thing that keeps us moving on with our lives. But I don’t feel that. I believe, no matter what, we all, and will still have the inner kid embodied inside of us, no matter how deep.



♥ Friday, December 02, 2011