Deefarhana

A listening ear.

2012-01-10T00:18:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, at my lowest state of moments in life, I really wish that I have his number; so I could just dial the 8 digits away and rant till im out of breathe. Because he knows exactly just how to make feel better again.

When I talked, he listened. He doesn't have to look at my eyes when i speak, but he listened. He listened intently to every word that i said. He doesn't smile or laugh or distracted with other things. He just sat and stare into a blank space, stopped everything that he do. That's why I know he listened.

And when Im done talking, he will look at me and its my turn to listen while he talk. He gave advises, changing my sorrows to calmness in seconds. Then, he will give me the tightest hug and he would tell me that everything will be okay because he will always be with me. And yes, it did makes me feel all okay again.

He doesn't laugh at my sadness but he worries. And until i felt better, then he gave me his oh-so-cute smile.

I guess talking to him makes my life easier in some way or another. He knows exactly the way to communicate with me. And probably that's one the things i missed about him. Having someone to talk to. Listening to advise. And the hug. Yes, the hug meant so much to me.

I need that a lot. I need advises, i need a hug, most of all i need a listening ear. I don't need a happy pill that can make me laugh and forget the sadness. I don't need presents or stuffs to get a smile on my face. I just needed someone. And he was there, 24/7, unlike any others.

But its been awhile. I've gotten used to keeping things to myself. I have friends to share with, people who understands, but it just wasn't the same sharing with a special someone. And yes, it's not the same sharing with him.

Just the way it is now.

2012-01-09T02:06:00.001+08:00

Looking at them shedding their tears as they try to fight with their ego, listening to their heart breaking stories, seeing them trying to mend their broken heart, feeling the hurt that I once felt, its an unexplainable feeling im feeling now.

Love can be such a beautiful thing in life. Yet, its the most cruel weapon that can cause death in our breathing soul in this world.

Its a risk that we are willing to take. To give all out, to surrender our most fragile and most precious organ in our body to someone else, trusting them to own it and take care of it.

& I believe that once you gave it away, you can never have it anymore. You can't give it a second time. And even if you had it back, it won't be as pure as a newly born baby with a new heart. Its shattered, wounded, plastered, ugly, and even more fragile.

I made a mistake for giving my heart away. But it's not a mistake I regret doing. I only wish, I would not have given it when I was still young and naive.

It's a little too late to take it all back. Despite it all, its not only a broken, wounded hearted that I was given back, but he gave me something that I will always carry around throughout my life. It's lessons and memories.

The truth is, I admit I wasn't prepared to face what love has to offer. And I am still not prepared. Im happy with the way I am now, leading a single life. No restrictions, no controls, no obstacles, not heartache, no cries.. Over love.

I did cry once in awhile thinking about the past, how much I missed how it used to be. And every now and then, there's hope. But then again, I have to wake up to the reality of life. Even if miracles could happen, it just wouldn't happen to me.

As I have said, I am happy now. And i have to thank that one person who made my life that had turned black and white once upon a time, to a rainbow with lots of butterflies and full of life.

I am not ready for love. But I love just the way it is right now. Maybe, one day, I'll have hope on love again.. I'll learn to say out that three words again.

Hello 2012, goodbye 2011.

2011-12-07T21:43:00.002+08:00

Year is coming to an end soon. 2011, I must say it is a very important year for me. My final year in school, my final step before I start my life as a working adult. School will be over for me soon, yet I have not figured out what I want to do. I wanted to continue study, I wanted to start working, I wanted this, I wanted that. But with all the possibilities, there's a restriction. Truth is, my life is troublesome as it is.

But put that aside, 2011 have been a good year. Alhamdullilah. Started my year with internship, thinking I made the right choice to "run away" from school, was a mistake I didn't regret making. During the internship, I met a great, knowledgeable guy that will always be embedded in my memory. He taught me a lot of things about life, to succeed in life. Without him, I would not have settled this far in school, trying hard to achieve good daily grades, trying to get a good GPA though I really think it's too late by now.

This year itself, I did a lot of things.

- Went for a vietnam trip with rp people, making lots of awesome friends, shopping like mad over there.

- Went to vietnam again in the mid year with mum just to purchase my dream raya outfit

- Went for nomad camp where I make new friends again though they were all younger than me.

- I think this year was the most number of time I stepped into the cinema

- I have the best job in the world (In gym and used to work at pool too)

- I finally manage to go Kampung at Kedah and met my long-distance relative there. Along the way, we went to KL, Cameron highland and Melaka too.

- Went to KL countless times

- Hari raya 6th generation celebration with relative

- My last teen years, birthday was awesome with the beloved people around me

- I met someone who makes the best of my remaining year a happy one for me, bumble bee <3

There's a lot more which I forgot to state down. But 2011 was definitely tiring, yet a fun, smooth sailing ride year.

2012 would be a better year. Despite that I'll be leaving my favourite second home, RP, I know it will be a better year for me. And this time, I don't want to make a new resolutions for the new year. Instead, there's a looooooooong list of wishlist I want to satisfy myself. Yes, that's what I want to do.

A better way to love

2011-12-07T20:45:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, we won't really realized something about us until a person told us. I realized something that I'd been missing or perhaps lack of, today. I thought I did my part very well. I thought I managed to make one feel secured. No, I failed. And I only find out when I can't do anything about it, because it's over and done. Did my mistake for this played a part in the reason for the price I have to pay till today?

I guess reassuring someone is not as easy as how it looks like. It's more than just applying the 5 languages of love - Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service and Receiving Gifts.

Maybe my words wasn't strong enough, maybe I lack in spending quality time, maybe my acts of service was unclear, maybe the gifts i bought wasn't much.. I don't know what but due to this lacking in myself to express love, I failed to love and be loved.

Perhaps, it's just not me to express love clearly and all the time. It's not me to show the world how much I love the person. Even when I go out with a guy, I resist myself from being to clingy, if possible no physical contact with one another, not even holding hands. Yes, that's just me. I don't like to express my love that way.

My strong areas would have been my words. But I know, words only is not enough. Worst, Im not good at reassuring someone with words. I don't know what they want. I simply don't know how to make someone feel secured.

But I'm gonna try. I'm gonna keep trying till I succeed. I am no doctor love. I am just another girl who wants to love and be loved. I am still learning the meaning of love. It's not easy but I will learn to love one day.

My past definitely taught me a better way of living for me. Even if it took just seconds, even if it's nothing special, just for a moment that I crossed your mind, I felt pure bliss. Knowing that you did not forget me, thank you. Knowing that I try, though it wasn't enough for you, but you did say I tried, thank you.

L.O.V.E

2011-12-02T21:44:00.001+08:00

Love shouldn’t be something you can define, or even explain. Love could be so much more, or less than you think of.

Love isn’t just about a ‘special someone’. Love isn’t just a ‘crush’. Love is more than just a four letter word. Love is more than just ‘you and me’. Love is a feeling. Love is a spark. Love is intimate, close, loving. Love is caring. Love is priority. Love is sympathetic. Love is commitment. Love is faithful. Love is your boyfriend or your girlfriend.

But to be honest, love is also stupid. Love is hard. Love is time-wasting. Love is brain-washing. Love is unkind. Love is hypocritical. Love is cruel. Love is angry. Love is frustrating. Love is discriminating. Love is powerful yet powerless. Love is hurtful, painful, skillful. Love is intentional. Love is accidental. Love is messy. Love is rushed. Love is overused. Overrated. Under-estimated.

Love can be all those things at once, and it hits you without you even knowing. Worst thing is, love can be all those things at once, yet we humans need it.

Love isn’t just a feeling between you and a boy. Love isn’t just about having sex and getting called ‘babe’. Yet all the juniors at our school, age fourteen, fifteen, or even worse, thirteen, throwing around the word ‘love’? Do you even know what love is? I’ve been living on this earth for nearly 18 years and I don’t even know what love is. So really, our minds all work the same regardless on the age, our meaning of ‘love’ is so immature, so limited, that we simply just use that word to describe anything as mini as a crush.

The word love is so overused that sometimes it doesn’t even mean anything anymore. Love. Love. Love. I love you. I really love you. I wish people can put their life into them when they say it to someone. That they truly mean it from the bottom of their heart. That when they say I love you; its also a promise to be able to sacrifice anything for them.

It’s hard to appreciate something when you’re grasping it with your hands. It’s hard to be thankful for what you have. Because no matter who we are, what age we are, we are all immature at some points, and as our lives change, we don’t learn to not be immature, but we learn to feel that maturity will be the only thing that keeps us moving on with our lives. But I don’t feel that. I believe, no matter what, we all, and will still have the inner kid embodied inside of us, no matter how deep.

Something to keep in mind.

2011-11-26T13:48:00.001+08:00

"Sometimes people come into your life & you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or help you figure out who you are & or who you want to become You never know who these people may be (possibly your roommate, neighbor, professor, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger), but when you lock eyes with them, you know at the very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.and sometime things will happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, & unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming these obstacles that you would have never realized your true potential, strength, will power, or heart.

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by mean of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness & sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without this small test, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe & comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people that you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you will become Even the bad experiences are learned from. In fact, they are the most poignant ones.

If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love & how to open your heart & eyes to things.

Make everyday count. Appreciate every moment & take from those moments everything you could possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before & actually listen... Let yourself fall in love again, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right too.

Tell yourself that you are a great individual & believe in yourself. For if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you. You can make your life anything you wish.....Create your own life & then go out & live it with absolutely NO REGRETS. Most importantly, if you love someone tell him or her, for you NEVER know what tomorrow may have in store. And learn a lesson in life each day you live.

Today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday.... Was it worth it?"

Him.

2011-11-20T01:25:00.000+08:00

Every girl needs a man. You know, the kind that’ll treat you right. The kind that has enough respect for you & is willing to change, just to be with you. The kind that searches for you with all his heart & that can be trusted in a room full of beautiful girls. Every girl needs a man who won’t cheat on her because he knows she’s got all that he wants & needs already. He won’t mind calling you early in the morning just to say good morning or late at night to say good night; maybe even sing you a good morning song & tell you a bedtime story or talk to you until you fall asleep. This guy will be the kind that’ll do anything for you, even if it’s to just go to the store & buy you your favorite kind of candy. He would defend & fight for you & wouldn’t bail on you for his friends when you need him most. The kind that won’t leave you lonely & wondering; the one that calls you surprisingly, even if he’s out with his friend, to just tell you that he loves & misses you a lot. The kind that isn’t afraid to smile to his friends every time you’re around & tell them, “She’s the one”. The kind that appreciates you for the things you do for him, even if they’re little. The ones that actually thank you for the little love notes you leave him, waits for you when you’re falling behind, & opens doors for you. Every girl needs a man who will take you out on dates once in awhile & buys you flowers just because it’s a Wednesday. The kind of guy that notices your hair when you just got it cut or done beautifully for him. He would remind you that he loves you & that he’s happy to be with you, just in case you forget. The kind that just doesn’t want kisses & hugs, but to actually be loved & to love. You deserve a guy that will call you beautiful instead of hot, who kisses your forehead when you’re down, tells you to be strong & to not cry, & when you do cry, he’d cry with you when times are hard. The kind that will go through thick & thin with & for you. The kind that just loves you for who you are & not for who you aren’t and loves you because you’re his favorite girl in the whole wide world.

Happy birthday to my favourite, irreplaceble girl. :D

2011-11-18T00:10:00.002+08:00

To my dearest Nursyafiqah Binte Awang, let me start my longwinded rants with this quote,

A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world. ~Lois Wyse

I don't know why I chose that quote over many others but somehow, it relates to us. You're definitely a connection to my life. (:

You may have read the same wishes, the same long rants over the past 10 years from me but I will never get tired of this. Hahaha!

Someone once told me this, every human in this world will be given a friend match make from heaven. I wonder how possible is it that we actually have "friendsmate" (instead of soulmate) in this Earth. But the moment someone told me that, the first thing that comes to my mind is.. you.

Im not being cheeky or mentel when I told you that. HAHAHA. But honestly, I seriously think you are the one. It's not because of the number of years that we have known each other but its because.. throughout my life, I've lost if not many, a few of the most important person(s) in my life. But in every arguments that we faced, in every troubles I make, you still stay and showed no intention of going away.

Thank you Nursyafiqah, for being the best friend I can always lean on every second of my life. On your special day, I may not be physically with you to wish and hug and even kiss you a very happy birthday, but remember that I'm always in your heart and mind! Cheyyy, like matair ah. HAHAHA.

Last but not least, I want to say this. I believe that you are the most beautiful girl I ever met in my whole life. In every encounters of my life, I've met girls who have beautiful features, I've met girls with beautiful heart, but you are beautiful just the way you are. You are perfect in your own way. Don't ever let yourself down by looking down on yourself.

A boyfriend is just an experience to love and be loved. It makes you happy when you are in a happy relationship but it hurts you, stabs you, scarred and wound your pure heart when you're broken hearted. If I was given a wish, I wished I was in your shoe, never get to experience how love hurts because it's a feeling nobody will ever want feel in their life.

Having a boyfriend isn't something to be proud of or to be happy about. It comes with a responsibility, a lot of patience, a lot of understanding, a lot of sacrifices and more. It's not easy as how it looks like. Sure it's nice to have someone that you can count on to, someone to rant about your days and received surprises, but it's not worth the pain if he's not the one for you.

One day, you'll meet him. Don't give up. Continue to live your hopes up. When the time is right, when He decides that you are ready, you will, in someway or another, intertwined your path with him. Do not worry for He won't let you be alone in this world. InsyaAllah, it's worth your wait and I'm sure He is keeping the best for you.

For now, all that matters is me! HAHAHA. Yes, who say best friend can't be treated like in a relationship? You're my favourite sweetheart afterall. Hehehe. I love you, aloooooot. :D

Have a blast 19th birthday alright!

"The time is always right to do what is right."

2011-11-13T00:23:00.002+08:00

Couples broke up and never get back together. Friends who used to be so close are enemies right now. People leave, we let it be. Humans give up after failing couple of times. No, I'm not talking about the sadness of life. It's the time. Whenever bad things happen, people usually blame it on time. Ever heard of people saying it's too late to do this or that? Ever heard people saying I wish I still have the time to do it? Ever heard of people giving up because it's a waste of time? Yes, it's all about the time.

But what we people don't realised is, time is just an excused for us. Time doesn't change when people's life change. Time doesn't stop when our feelings fade. It's never too late to mend something broken. It's never too late to fight for something we want. It's never, ever, too late to do anything. Time's speed doesn't change. It's just us feeling that time is going too fast or too slow.

It's a nature for humans to blame on time when something in life doesn't go right. People make mistakes and the forgivers might find it too late to start all over again with that person. Truth is, you have all the time to start all over again. As long as both is still alive, time doesn't stop from both of you to start all over again. What's stopping it is yourself, your feelings. Best friends are no longer close because time doesn't permit them to be together always. The truth is, its us not making an effort to make the time for them. People walked out of our life and we let it be because it's too late to make them stay. Truth is, you still have that time to pull them back, to make them stay. Its either you not making the effort, or that person's no longer want to be in your life. Humans gave up after trying few times because they think it's a waste of time. Truth is, if you have the willing to do something, willing to achieve it, it's never a waste of time.

Today's gone, but you wake up tomorrow. Still breathing, still alive. You still have time. What is it that is too late? It's never too late unless you're no longer on this Earth. While you're still breathing right now, still able to go through yet another day of life, you have the time; time to undo your mistakes, time to make a difference, time to start all over again.

What are words.

2011-11-12T23:43:00.003+08:00

For those who have yet to listen to the song What Are Words by Medina, by all means, you should. It's a beautiful song with a meaningful lesson of love behind it. For the ones who can't capture the meaning of this song, well.. this is a summary of it..

"A guy who proposed to his girlfriend of __ years (8 I think) but one day his girlfriend met with an accident which caused her to suffer brain damage and severe injuries. Unlike any typical guys, he did NOT leave her. Instead, he hold on to his words of staying by her side through thick and thin."

It's a song of the real meaning of true love. Yes, like what the lyrics stated;

What are words

If you really don't mean them

When you say them

What are words

If they're only for good times

Then they don't

When it's love

Yeah, you say them out loud

Those words, They never go away

They live on, even when we're gone

Mens and Womens should really think of what came out from their mouth. Promises, an oath, expressing feelings, is not merely something that can be treated as a joke. What are they if all the words are a facade? Do they still hold any meaning if it was just an empty words?

Truth to be told, we have eyes to see our surroundings. Divorce, break ups, fights and such happened in this world because "words" are the most powerful invention of all kinds. To think logically, I believe that such situations could have been avoided if only people would mind what they say.

For the fact that we know what is our limits and how much we can do, we could have known better what we can give to the person. If we really can't sacrifice death for them, it's easy as A B C to admit that we can't. But humans are humans. We gave empty promises, facade words to the people we love just because at that very moment we shared special bonding and were to afraid to lose it. We said it merely to please them, to convince them for something unknown. Would it have been love?

Like any other humans, perhaps I too, have did the same mistake. I would have simply promised my mum I would clean the house but I end doing nothing. I could have promised myself to study harder each time a new semester starts but I see myself still slacking. But for all I know, i've never taken my love for granted on my family, friends or anyone special. When I promised something big, especially when it comes to love, I very well hold on to it. That's me. How about you guys? (:

Once upon a time, we used to love..

2011-11-12T23:25:00.003+08:00

I would say that this video is amazing. The stages were rather accurate in general, though not definite. Some may have gone through the same exact thing, for example, me. Some, well.. they're the lucky ones who are still friends after the break up or perhaps, manage to salvage the relationship before it went on to the last stage.

We may have not realised these "stages" that were happening in out relationship. From being so happy till to a point we get so "comfortable" with each other that our feelings tend to fade throughout times. It's only when everything ends awry, then we started to realise.

I guess that’s really quite sad. How someone you thought was the girl/boy of your dreams, someone you wished you could spend every waking moment of your life with, someone you were once so comfortable with, could just somehow, in some way, slip away from you. And once that happens, it becomes so difficult to retrieve the situation.

People might say that perhaps it was for the best, that it wasn’t going to work out, that you weren’t compatible in the end. And they might be right. But more often than not, it’s just the lack of effort, or as one line in the video went, “someone stops trying when feelings ain’t as strong as before”. I suppose the bottom line is to never take things for granted, whether in love, or in a friendship.

It might be even harder to take when your ex has so obviously moved on, and there you are, still stuck hanging onto the remnants of what once used to be. When you replay certain moments over and over again in your mind, and wish you had done things differently instead of just brushing things off.

I would like to say I'm over it. Well.. I guess a part of me did. But there are nights during which the memories come back to haunt me, and the flashbacks triggered by familiar places we once went, or the activities that we used to enjoy together.

The break up taught me a valuable lesson. Never to take anyone for granted. Be it family, friends or lover. Humans are humans, and we tend to give up at times when we felt like it's not worth in our life anymore. It's really sad that we're back to being strangers in each other's eye after we've gone through a hell lot of things together. Sometimes, I wonder why this happened.

But truth to be told, promises are meant to be broken, words are meant to be lied. I guess, there's a reason why we are like this.

“I think that if life separates us and we end up in totally different places, I will always remember when our past aligned for this period of time. And I will be thankful for that and hope that where ever you are, you’ll be thankful too. And I think that is the best we can wish for.”

F.R.I.E.N.D.S

2011-11-12T23:12:00.000+08:00

More often than not, people who have best friends, only think how grateful they are to depend on these few for the rest of their lives. & people who have boyfriend, would be so thankful to have met him and depend on him through every single moments of their life. But they failed to see the others who have made their life, in some way or another, meaningful too.

Im talking about friends. Not besties or special friend or anything major. Just friends, including the hi bye friends. And these "friends", they don't really get much thanks as compared to the best ones.

It's very typical to see people posted on facebooks, twitters or by words of mouth that friends don't really matter as long as they have the few ones to depend on. Truthfully, I must agree that it is not a matter of quantity but quality. But that doesn't mean you have to stop making friends once you've found the best.

Throughout my entire life, I've met a little too many friends who came and go. & that includes people whom I treated as best friends. What I'm trying to say is, even the best can left so why not we just make friends whenever we can.

& when the best left, who are we left with? Who are the ones we could depend on? Well, usually we'll turn to the so-called "just friends" and confide in them. & when they treated us nice and all, we declare them as "best friends". Typical isn't it?

Now, that's the thing. People should be thankful to every single person in their life. Not just the best or the closest ones, but each and every individual who have entered in your life. Somehow, they did play a part to make you smile (well, when you saw them, at least you smiled and waved hello, am I right?).

Well, I must say I am glad that I can depend on my best/close friends whenever I am sad. But whenever they're not there beside me, I have friends to depend on too. & I am very thankful for that.

Happy birthday to my dear Nur Fatin

2011-11-06T00:25:00.002+08:00

To my dearest babygirl, Nur Fatin, I would like to wish a very happy birthday! Finally, you're 19. Like omg, we're so oldddd rightttt?! ): Well, do enjoy your last teen years alright? Spend it wisely, happily, with your loved ones.

It's been years of our friendship, through good and bad times, I am glad you still stay in my life. Though at times, I may have forgotten about us, or tend to neglect you in our friendship, just so you know, I have always treasured our friendship and you're one of those people whom I won't forget for the rest of my life.

You're 19 now, 365 days left to reach the digit 2, which isn't very long at all. It simply means that our time have come to an end in school. We'll be working adults very soon. Unless, we choose to further our study. Whatever road we choose to go, whether we'll be on the same path or have to be separated, I hope we will never forget each other.

We shall not forget our dreams to open up a cafe. HAHA! Well, we don't know what the future might bring us to. But I will always pray for the best of your life. Knowing that you're happy with him, brings joy to me. Coz it hurts me to see you down and brokenhearted at one period of time. Whatever obstacles you faced with him, don't ever give up. Because it's a lifetime chances and I know you can faced it because you're a strong person.

Last but not least, please meet up soon alright? There's a lot of things I've yet to share about my life. And yes, yours too. Have a blast on your special day with the kambings alright? HAHAHA. Oh yeah, selamat hari raya aidil adha to you too. Love you tintin! <3

Life is like a cup of coffee

2011-11-04T22:34:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, we chase for something that is beyond our reach that we fail to see the ones that are directly infront of our eyes. We have always wanted the best, but we never realised that sometimes, what we have now is actually the best for us. We are constantly craving for better prospects but we forget, that life is not about being on top.

Life is like a cup of coffee. Given an assortments of cups; expensive or cheap, plain or exquisite.. we tend to choose what looks beautiful to us, what looks like the best to us. But what difference does those cup makes to the coffee? It simply doesn't change the quality of the coffee. In most cases, the reason is because it's expensive while some cases, it hides what we drink.

What all of us really wanted was the coffee, not the cup. But we consciously went for the best cups, and we eyed others cup, just to see who had the best one.

Life is like the coffee; while the cups are what we own.. money, status, job etc.. They are just tools to hold and contain life. The type of cup we hold does not define nor change the quality of life we live.

Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee. It's all about savoring every sips of the coffee, and not the cups. Likewise, as what we always heard; The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything.

Live simply.

Speak kindly.

Care deeply.

Love generously.

I was drinking coffee by the way. Just random. HAHAHA.

So, who am I?

2011-10-26T00:46:00.003+08:00

I can't explain this feeling that I feel for the past few days. I want to say I am happy, but something is holding me up. I want to say I am sad, but I am always laughing and feel contented. The truth is, I don't want to put on hopes in anything. I remember how it feels like to be crushed into pieces and I honestly don't want to feel it again.

I refused to open up even when others said I should give it another try. Only after a year, I have to fulfill my promises. I am trying. I don't know who or when will I really meet someone. The thing is, I don't want to expect a lot and ends up in disappointment. Having to experience heartbroken makes me a cautious person now. I have a lot of doubts and I guess, because of that I need a clear, a very convincing feeling from the person. This time, there's no more time to play guessing game anymore. There's no more waiting game. Coz, this time, once I think you have no bits of interest towards me, I'm gonna walk away.

It might sound ridiculous, very unfair to some. But I am protecting myself. I am guarding my heart.

I have been blabbering nonsense again. Probably because I feel disappointed that I didn't do my best in RJ. Or merely because, I am just in a state where I don't know what the hell is going on in my life.

Hahahahaha. Okay seriously dian? I need to think of a topic that is worth reading and involved lots of thinking instead of emotions. K la bye.

Nusyafiqah.

2011-10-24T00:29:00.000+08:00

Hi, I love this picture. And I love you. :D

No life, serious.

2011-10-18T23:57:00.002+08:00

I can't remember the last time I actually published my post. Been awhile, huh? I guess, I don't have time to talk about daily life like how I used to.

Trust me, being in year 3 is not anywhere near the easy life. Yes, in certain point of view, you could say that. But, trying to catch up with things after almost 8 months of not going to school, is as good as going back to being a year 1 again. Really. Actually, that wasn't my biggest issues. The issue here is F.Y.P.

Yeah, THAT.

The only good thing I can think of is that we're only schooling for 3 days. Which was not totally a good thing afterall; well, for me that is. My free time will be spent on work. Okay, to make it easier this is how my timetable for the next 3 months will be like, or rather somehow like it:

Monday - Not schooling (Definitely no monday blues in the morning) but I have to work (So that means I'll have monday blues in the afternoon -.-)

Tuesday - Schooling.

Wednesday - Not schooling. (But I have FYP so I still have to drag myself to school and I put a slot in the afternoon for work next month onwards)

Thursday - Schooling. (AND I have work after that. But only for this month. Hopefully.)

Friday - Schooling.

Saturday - Gonna spend most of the mornings doing bike prac. Afternoon, I have class.

Sunday - Working.

So when I said, I got no life. I literally mean, I got no life. The only reason why Im still alive is because a handful of kind souls are willing to squeeze in my free time so that I can enjoy bits and pieces of life (For example, tues night or saturday night). But that is almost killing me coz I'll die of exhaustion. HAHAHA.

I don't feel like continuing my bike prac, but its a waste of money right? So I can't forgo it. And I can't possibly not going for another 3 months. I'll get lectured by the instructors! Sheesh.

So what to do? Either I bear this for 3 months or I'm gonna flunk in all areas. Sigh, not even any form of therapies can help to ease this stress away.

Probably a good thing Im single too. Hahaha. Let's not go further to that. Okay, I rant enough to entertain you guys I guess.

So till I find another free time to rant again. Bye! :D

October

2011-10-03T13:43:00.001+08:00

October's here. That means my long term holiday is over for me. After almost 8 months inclusion of internship and holidays, of not studying in rp, it feels pretty much awkward. It's a feeling of being a freshman again. While most are dreading for this month to come, I am actually looking forward to it. Despite the things that I have to prepare myself for when Im in school, emotionally and mentally. But put that personal life aside, I actually enjoy school. Credits to the friends and the food of course. But most importantly, it means I am still a student, not fully responsible on financial basis, still able to depent on my parents. I admit, i am not ready to be fully committed as an adult; working adult to be exact.

Let's have a bit of a touch on my personal life. October. It means only one thing. It's officially a year Im single. Through the cries and the heartache, i actually pulled through all of it for almost 365 days. And im sure i'll be able to endure for the upcoming years without a man in my life (except for my dad).

Last year October was torturous, so heartwrenching that I pretty much gave up in love. But this year, I'll make sure I make the best of it. I won't say there will no cries or a tinge of sadness when that particular day arrive. But I am sure as hell gonna be much stronger than I was ever before.

Yes, alone or not, I'll make it through (:

Testing 123

2011-09-30T23:36:00.001+08:00

Hello! Fyi, Im blogging using the iphone apps. I wonder how it would turns out like. It's been awhile since i've update anything.

Okay, just a short one since i am lazy to type using my phone. I swear I hate sms-ing and talking on the phone. I dont know why, I just do. Maybe i should invent a much smaller version of keyboards for phone. Chey.

Anywayyyy, I just got back from a 4D3N Nomad camp at Ipoh few days ago. Though it wasn't as far as Beijing or Australia but I wished the camp could have lasted much longer. I had so much fun doing the activities. I am reaply up to something new so this camp kinda perks me up. Except for the high elements because Im afraid of heights but once I got the hang of it, Im actually fine. Haha. New friends made, and despite the awkward feeling of being one of the "oldies", I think some of the juniors are much more wiser than I am.

On the way back, I fell sick. Totally not cool. I vomitted once before dinner and while reaching the JB checkpoint and my pants was all greased. But I am truly touched with people in the bus B, who constantly asked if I was okay and actually cleaned up my mess. Gosh, I felt like a kid. Hahaha.

Now, I am all better. But my eye is the problem now. Visited a clinic and I was less than 10 seconds in the room. Totally wasted my consultation fees but Im more than half glad coz I dont have to entertain the unnecessary questions. I really dont like clinics not because I am scared but I feel lost when I face the doctor. Which is the reason why throughout my 19 years of life, i avoid going to the clinics unless i was really sick and my mum would do all the talking. Yes, thats how lost i am. Today was my very FIRST time visiting the doctor without my mum. How thankful I was when I practically dont have to say anything.

Okay, let's just hope im all better for school next week. After almost 8 months of not going to school, the feeling is just undescribedable! On a positive side of course. I really love school. I dont understand why many doesn't! Tsk.

For this last sem, Im going all out be it in study or any events/volunteerings by rp. How i wish i have a friend who is as enthusiastic as me. Sad life, its as though im all alone in this interest. Hah. Okay, my fingers are all numb. Shall blog again soon.

Till im back again. (:

Be careful with what you wished for.

2011-09-12T00:59:00.005+08:00

“A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other...Maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever”

Many wished to have an opposite sex best friend. Someone whom we can joke around, talk basically about anything under the sun, having a shoulder to cry on, just by being yourself and the best thing about doing all this with a best friend who is opposite sex of you is, they know exactly how to treat you the way you want to be in love.

Because that's what people want in love. Someone who they can totally be themselves without having to care a single thing and still be happy just spending time together. Perhaps, its more to that. There are many great things about it. Like how you can have problem about the girl/guy you dated and your best friend could give you some useful advise just because they know how to be in that person's shoe.

However, one tend to forget that being in this kind of friendship, takes a lot of risk. It's not easy as it sounds like.

Having an opposite best friend simply means that you have to be prepared mentally and physically. Knowing that when you're with him/her outside, you might be judged differently. Prepared that it is much harder to find someone special unless that person is willing to accept your friendship with open arms. But the hardest of all is, to fall in love or being loved by your best friend. Coz one simple thing like that can totally change the whole thing. Its either the friendship will begin into something new, or it will just end like that.

It's not easy to stop yourself from falling in love. When love decides to take place, it just will. No warnings, no stopping. & its much harder when it's only one hand clapping instead of two. Things will get awkward and even when both tried to stay, at some point of time, one will let go.

Some are lucky enough to get a bestfriend who is the same person whom they love. While some are not. Some are lucky enough to get a bestfriend who stays despite everything, but honestly, I can safely say that no bestfriends or maybe just a few of opposite sex can last till lifetime.

I've been there done that. I was being judged when I was in a relationship. I was still judged after I broke up. One fell in love, another one didn't. Things were well only for a moment, but not forever.

I miss him, yeah I do.

Just Being Honest,

We're humans, afterall.

2011-09-11T01:21:00.005+08:00

"You can't live your life for other people.

You've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some people you love."

It can be very tiring having to live up to people's expectation; especially our loved ones. & I wasn't talking about having to please one person. It would have been much easier trying to please one but imagine having to divide yourself catering to at least gazillions of people, including strangers in life. Yes, strangers.

It is very upsetting to see your dearest one being hurt because you can't fulfill their hopes. Some kept silence but there are people who would show their disappointment as vividly as clear water.

Know what annoys me? Seeing people getting paranoid of trying to please just about everyone around them. Apparently, they failed to realize that they have their own life to be happy too. And while they are busy trying to make everyone around them happy, they forget just who to be thankful for at the end of the day. They forget to spend few minutes of 5 times a day to the One whom they should be worrying trying to please.

I am not one of the pious ones who seek to Him every single day and pray. But for what I know, I am thankful for every single day for I am still given the chance to live. From Him I get my happiness and to Him, I shall return those moments with prayers.

I do not have the slightest worried of not being able to please people around me. Just disappointment when I disappoint them. I tried my best not to upset anyone but I know my limits of having to make everyone happy. I also know my positions of expecting people to please me. Though at times, it hurts when I expect someone to do or say something just to make me feel happy, but I understand that we are, afterall, humans who are helpless and cannot escape from mistakes.

The World would have been a better place without these people who complaint of not being satisfied with their life, people who are constantly worried trying to spend their time to please everyone. It would have been a better place if one would simply stand up for their rights to make themselves happy and also just to please the only One.

It would have been better, wouldn't it?

Just Being Honest,

For a start.

2011-09-08T13:19:00.002+08:00

Aren't my new blogspot just so awesome? It is somehow similar to my old blogspot. AND IT'S SUNFLOWER. Teehee. It is still under construction though; especially under my "profile" link. Still trying to figure out what should I put in it. I have lost the touch of editing the HTML and I had to edit over and over again to make it as it is now.

I honestly don't find the need of a blog since I'm likely gonna keep most of the things to myself, only sharing mild things like my two cents worth of thoughts, my views in certain things etc. I am just addicted to editing and beautifying my blog, thats why. Onsugar was no fun as I cannot edit the page as how I like it. But it was very simple and easy to use which was the reason why I decided to use onsugar once upon a time.

But I finally made up my mind to move back to blogger. This is home, truly. Haaaah. It took me awhile to come up with my blog url. Guess where I got it? Hah, none can figure it out. It was inspired by someone who had exactly the same url. Of course, only the bright ones will know how to find the answer. HAHA.

One last note, whatever I speak is highly from my personal point of view. Whatever I share, Im just being honest about what I think and feel. That's it for first blog post.

Knock some senses in your head.

2011-08-24T00:59:00.000+08:00

I have goals. I have dreams. I have wishes hoping to come true. And I believe, each one of every humans on this Earth have those three set in their hearts and minds. Tell me that I am wrong and present me one person who have no wishes or dreams or goals in his life. Just one, and I'll take back my words.

It's easy to set a goal in life. Or perhaps, have dreams and wishes to liven up our hopes. But what are those without even trying to achieve it? Maybe not all dreams and wishes will come true. But it's not impossible. All it takes is a little bit of effort, and keep trying with a tinch of faith.

It's easy as reciting 1,2,3 and A,B,C to tell the whole world what we want in life. But it's meaningless if what we said is only meant to be heard but not to be achieved and seen by people. So what's the point of telling people about it? Just to point out that you too, have dreams in your life? Oh come on, if you are capable to achieve it, it would have at least make the whole point of teling your "dreams" seems much more worth it.

A much more common ones are we humans wanting to be successful. We yearn to get a high class living style and be among the rich people on Earth. We want to be smart and have as high education we can get. We simply want to lead the best in life. But with a couldn't care less attiude in school, no effort in trying to be among the top, how can you even get a good living lifestyle?!

A person who regrets of his past, who wants to work harder and be a better student would have at least show improvements. If waking up in the morning is a big issue, it could be help. There are ways to solve it if only you are willing to find help. Well, if you could wake up early to go out with friends, I don't find it a problem waking up for school. If you have been sleeping late, then sleep early. If you can't sleep, get a doctor and presribe a sleeping pill. If you have trainings till night, go home straight away and rest. Not to hang out with friends. Nobody says its gonna be easy but sometimes, in life, we have to sacrifice what we want for what we need. if friends and hobbies can make a living for your future, by all means, quit school and carry on with this and see how long it can last!

And nobody said studying is easy. Nobody gets to study what they want in life. At times, we have to face topics that are not to our likings but that's not a reason we can fail. If we could have make an effort to understand, to get more knowledge from someone who's good at it, to study, it is possible to get a pass. All it takes is our efforts, and our hearts to do it.

If trainings have been taking up alot of times for your studies, you have to consider the pros and cons. Sometimes, we have to let go something for the best of our future. Our passion won't run away. Once we're over and done with school, we could have continue with it.

I swear I don't understand these people. The ones who doesn't want to admit that they are being unreasonable. Instead, they become agitated and upset, feeling that we get the wrong idea and don't understand them. We do understand the difficulties. But it's not a very rare issues faced by people. It's common and curable. It is POSSIBLE to overcome with. & I really cannot understand those who actually said that they are actually trying, but the fact is, there's not effort in trying. Trying to set alarm clock half an hour early, but you still sleep late, that is not trying. That is simply making a fool of yourself.

To all these people, I have no rights to direct your life whatsoever. But please have some moments by yourself, try to imagine your life in 10 years ahead, figure out what you want to do and decide what is best for yourself. Don't think what you want now. Don't think of your wants, but your needs. In 10 years time, you will have a family of your own. At the state of yourself now, not caring for your studies, how can you possibly be the successor of your family? Perhaps think about your parents now. Do you want to waste their money for your stupidity, for your selfish wants? Oh come on, throw away your ego and your hard headed away, and start opening up your eyes and mind.

I wouldn't set myself as one of the role models or one of the examples to this. I have regrets that I wished I could take back and change things in the past. I would have took study seriously right from my secondary days so that i won't have to think a lot about my future now. Perhaps I could have started trying hard when I stepped into RP, maybe things would have been easier. Despite the unsatisfaction of my GPA, I am at least grateful that I do not have to repeat any modules or stay back in RP. But with my current results now, the possibilities of me pursuing to a higher education seems vague. Nonetheless, I am trying hard now.

Some people need a knock on their head to get some sense once in awhile.

Just Being Honest,

This is life, live it.

2011-08-07T02:37:00.000+08:00

A million thoughts running in the mind, waiting to be let out, to be heard. It's been awhile. In fact, it's been too long. My secrets, my desires, my wishes, my dreams, my goals, my opinions - everything. it's been long enough being kept within myself. It's impossible to be told, but it badly wanted to be heard.

An example as simple as my wants can be such a huge burden in my life. Like how badly you wanted to get that particular thing or someone, but a friend or a family member of yours was against it, and you have to think twice whether to still go for it or not. Things that revolves in life are also such a pain in the ass. Like how you deal with things, your reactions, every single step you take, every single movement you make, is being judged. When certain things make you feel uneasy, how you want to run away or avoid from certain people, or how you cannot control your emotional feelings, but some expects you to face it, to overcome it just because they don't have problems with it. Well, nobody can understand anybody.

I just don't understand life, or perhaps the human beings. If it's okay to accept one's living be it whether they're rich or poor, or accepting one's look be it that they're ugly or beautiful, why can't one accept a person's feeling, thoughts or desire?

Being around with humans that judge, have likes and dislikes, who indirectly directs my life, its hard. Having people who can simply tell you not to do this and that despite you yearning to have it and you don't do it just to please the person. Having people who tells you things that might silent you from sharing your thoughts just because you don't want to be judged differently. Life is hard having people around you, but you have to live with it. Thats why it's important to know when to keep your mouth shut or you might just end up in the wrong place.

Just being honest,

Ramadhan.

2011-08-01T16:54:00.000+08:00

Ramadhan, a month that all muslims looked forward to, a month we try avoiding making sins, a month of families gathering to break fast together, and a month of overcoming any obstacles with faith. Like any other muslims, I reminisced the past years of ramadhan, recalling the people I celebrated with, be it they're still here with me or already gone.

Last year was.. challenging, yet the best. It was a hard time for me as well as for him as he was busy with rehearsals and trainings for YOG. For a month, we rarely met. To be precised, I remembered very well we only had a short meet ups four times just to break fast together. Four days out of a month. To think of it, it was a good thing that we didnt meet up always since Ramadhan is a holy month and by meeting rarely, we can avoid a careless sins.

But it was hard at the same time. Really hard. Hearing girls complaining not being able to meet her boyfriend when they meet up every week, every fortnight, yet here I was, not being able to contact him but I endured throughout the months. It really frustrates me looking at all this girls being whiny and whats not when they should at the very least appreciate that its not the end of the world not being able to meet.

If I am given another chance to go through another Ramadhan like last year, I would sacrifice anything to get it back, knowing that Im still with him. Well, this year is different. I'm going through alone. No looking forward to breaking fast with someone special together nor planning out colours to go Raya with friends as a couple. And I am okay with that.

It doesn't matter whoever you're with or whether you're alone. What matters is yourself and what you did in this holy month.

May you overcome any obstacles given and think of Allah every second of the day.

Salam Ramadhan.

Before its too late.

2011-07-23T04:15:00.000+08:00

Time check, 3.16AM. I am still wide awake thanks to my miserable heart. Nonono, nothing to do with the twenty second. I was actually happy throughout the whole day on twentysecond. No thoughts, no tears, no flashbacks.. nothing. Im simply happy though it needs a little bit of forced. Either way, I made it. (:Anywaaay, the reason for my miserable heart, yes. It was totally a lame thing. I was trying to get my mind busy and not to think of anything in the middle of the night, and I actually decided to think what I really want to do after I graduated. I can't believe that simple thing actually made me feel restless and upset till now!I have to be honest that I am really unprepared to be fully independent. Who does anyway. While majorities are waiting anxiously to get out from RP, I am otherwise instead. I absolutely love being in rp. Come onnnn, it's not that bad! Yes, the PPTs, the facis can be such a boredom. But look at RP in a total different perspective. I don't understand why people abhore RP. -.- Its either they really took RP's study life way too serious or they are just people who have not experienced being an independent full time worker.Sidetracked. Well, what Im about to say is.. I have decided to further my study. I actually thought of taking up another diploma in RP because I really don't see a promising future with my current diploma. I swear I dont even know why did I take it in the first place. OH wait, I took it because at that point of time, I never thought the slightest bit about my future. Anyway, due to certain circumstances, a part of me slightly wish I will not see RP again after graduation. And of course, I'll be one of the "old aunty" going to school. Hahahahaha. Im not being stereotype or what, but I just don't like the idea of being one of the eldest in the class. So, taking up another diploma is definitely a nono. Not even in other poly(s) because I cannot stand lectures.So, university it is. Very..... demoralising, I know. The fact that at the rate of where I am now, I am far from even stepping on to the universities floor. Now that Im having my final year, and going to have my very last semester in RP, I finally realised the big dark hole I have created for myself. I actually looked at all the university's criteria and wow, I don't know how am I ever going to achieve it. Then.. a moment of stunt followed by the regrets, the disappointment and etc.I can make it to international university though. I did visualised myself going to Griffith University in Australia or Monash University just because I wanted to go Australia. BUT I changed my mind. I am not going anywhere but Singapore. One, I am very dependent on my family and friends. I cannot stand being alone. So, alone in Australia is totally out of the question. Two, money. I cannot depend on my parents to pay for it. Three, I have decided that I want to join Silat back. It's been my passion since I was a kid. But I quited when I was young because I had no friends. Well, technically I have but.. I just don't like being around them because they are "too wild" for me. I am decent, yes. Then, I joined back at RP only for awhile. After things happened, it's best for me not to be a part of them anymore. So yes, I want to be back in Silat. And the only way to do it is to be here, in Singapore.The main objective of this post is to tell all the young kids out there, to plan out your future wisely and start early! I was once like you guys, getting irritated by teachers and parents who keep nagging at us to study hard and plan my future but I was, like all of you guys, too stubborn and take life easy because our life WAS easy at that point of time. It's only when you almost reached the ending point of being dependable on people, a point where you got to face life alone, that's when you'll start to think about your future. It may be too late.As for me, I can't do anything much now. Have to ace my last semester and wish my life all the best. I wonder if RP have a system whereby we can extend a semester or two to pull up our GPA? I don't mind staying another year in RP but NOT three. Gotta start searching of ways out to solve my last minute of stupidity.Help me out somebody. Just being honest,D.

One Tree Hill.

2011-07-21T02:10:00.000+08:00

One tree hill isn't about the metropolitanism. It's isn't about popularity. It's not just another fantasy movies like Cinderella or Sleeping beauty. One tree hill speaks about reality in life. It's a combination of love, lost, chances.. basically everything that sums up to life. It taught us how to deal with it.

I want to be like Nathan and Hailey, a true love. Age does not matter. It doesn't matter how young you are. You do what your heart feels right. At the age of just 16/17, they fell in love. But that doesn't stop them from being together. Despite the strong opposition from Nathan's parent, they stay as one because they believe they can make it. They went through a hard time; school, major exam, money and even their individual dreams, they fleet through the obstacles with perseverance. Despite Hailey leaving Nathan at one point of time to pursue her dream as a singer, but she knew that Nathan was much more important in her life and she sacrificed it for love. Nathan, who were broken, mad and disappointed at Hailey for leaving him, learnt to forgive and accepted her in his life back. They trusted each other despite the gossips, lies that were thrown to them. With all that plus their deep love towards each other, they made through everything. No, it's not a fairytale. What happened in the story does happen in reality. Problems with money, individuals having their own dreams to pursue, the hypocrites/backstabbers who always seek opportunities to ruin ones relationship. But One Tree Hill taught us that we can overcome all of that.

I want to feel the love like Lucas and Peyton felt. Another true, strong love. Two people who are meant to be. But it's totally the opposite of Nathan and Hailey. Lucas, who fall for peyton since the first time set eyes on her, was never existed in peyton's life. But they eventually became friends. Peyton did fall for Lucas but it was a tad too late when her best friend, brooke, got him first. Not wanting to break her best friend's heart, she kept silent. However, truth will always be revealed in one way or another. They didn't get together though because Peyton treasure her friendship more than anything else. They went on in different path of life but stayed as friends. There was one thing though, Lucas was always there to save Peyton's life. Lucas was always there on Peyton's side. Only on one night, did Lucas realised that it's her that he wants to be with when all his dreams came true. After so long since everyone waited for it to happened, it eventually happened. Lucas and Peyton, are together. But it doesn't stop there. They fall apart after Peyton was working in another states. Peyton think that it will never work out for them. Lucas, heartbroken, eventually found someone else. Peyton realised her huge mistake and came back only to realise that she was too late. She was not forgiven nor was she given any chance to be in Lucas's life again. But everyone knew, the love was still there in both of them. They knew, Lucas and Peyton are meant to be. It's always and will always be Lucas and Peyton. Lucas cannot lie with his own heart and at last, they got married. In their part of story, One tree hill taught us that what's meant to be, will be. It may take a hell of lifetime for it to happen, but it will happen. One's heart will feel insecured at some point of time but one will realised what the heart truly yearns. And all it takes for things to fall into its place is to get rid of the ego.

I want a best friend like Lucas and Haylie. One that does not discriminate, does not judge and loyal to a friend. Despite having issues with Nathan, Lucas still supported Haylie because her happiness is what matters. Though Haylie or Lucas made mistakes, be it small or big, they forgive one another and was always there to defend one another. One never gives a second thought when the other one needs help. When one leaves, their friendship never ended but stays the same. Secrecy was out of the question, they're always sharing their problems. They're the best example of true friends. One who always have their shoulders prepared to be cried on, ears to listen, a voice to be heard, two arms always ready for an embrace and a space in one's heart only for the other one. True friends are hard to find but it exist.

I want to get to know someone like Brooke. Behind the party wild girl, lies a girl who have so much more to offer in life. A strong, determined, successful brooke who fights for her rights and her friends. Despite not having a perfect family, being brought up independently with only her parents money but not love, she knew what is right and wrong. Instead of being driven to the spoilt life, she used her talent to be a successful person. A person once people thought of as useless, wild bitch was actually a person with a big heart filled with humanity and love. In reality, those who comes from a broken family often give up in life. Those who strayed on the streets killing their body with drugs, quiiting schools halfway and all that with a reason that they came from a broken family. Well, One Tree Hill taught us that it doesn't matter how bad your life is, how ruined your family, life does not give a chance to those who gave up.

I want to be as strong as Karen. Being left pregnant at a very young age, and having to support the baby alone. She'd went through tough time those days and she could never forget her first love. Though it was cruel of him to do that to her, she forgave him after almost 20 years of coming back to her life. She also did not realised that her love of the life was just standing right infront of her all those years in her life, her best friend. But when she finally realised her love towards him, he died. Things happened in life. Well, like what I have just said earlies, age does not matter in life. She finally found someone. It may not be her first love, or her soulmate and she may not be young but life will reward you someone, if you have faith.

There's a hell lot of things we can learnt from these characters. Each one of them taught us different things but they actually have one purpose, to teach us how to deal with life. It is a very moving story, one that could make you relate to your own life and leave you to ponder about it. A story that makes you smile and laugh in every minute but can makes you tear up the next minute.

A totally must watch series. (:

Just being honest,

It's not fair that life is unfair.

2011-07-15T21:14:00.000+08:00

When people say life is unfair, how do you come to the term that it is truly unfair? Is it because the current situation doesn't happen the way you want it to be, and immediately, your mindset tells you that life is indeed unfair? But then, comes along these statement that seems to contradict the whole thing; "God has better plan for you."

So one's life is on the negative side and he'll rant how unfair life is given to his situation. His friend told him not to brood over it as things will be okay and "God has better plan" for him. One day, indeed, his life changed completely. He gets a better prospect then what he asked for, and life seems so surreal for him. So is life truly unfair?

Sometimes, we tend to think negative when we're being "tested" more than what we can offer to life. When we can't seem to do things that is over our ability, we blame the world for being unfair to us. But when things get better and we manage to overcome our difficulties, life is actually giving us what we have always wanted. It's only the matter of time and effort. So where does the unfairness of life lies on?

"Life is unfair" seems to be a quote or a phrase among the society to describe a calamity that happens to us at that precise moment. But truly, we are being unfair to the world, to life, for not giving justice for it to prove that it has better plans for us.

How about we stick to "Time is all it takes."?

Give a spare thought to life; to what it had and has been offering to you since you were born.

Just being honest,

Alone or not, I'll make it through.

2011-07-13T22:54:00.000+08:00

At the age of 18, probably 3/4s of these teenagers have experienced heartbreak. Be it a long relationship or a short one, real feelings involved or just a fling, or simply even just as a crush, each of us have gone through those heart aching moments in our life. What really happen after it ends?

You cried your hearts out till you're drained and fell asleep. You wake up the next morning, stare at the ceiling, recalling what just happened in your life and wish it was all just a dream. Then, you realised it was all real. You stare at your phone hoping that there's a message by your partner saying how it was a mistake and wants to be with you again, but no, your phone simply stare at you back, nothing but the wallpaper.

You go through the day with a sullen face, eyes red and it keeps getting wet every minute. You try to look fine but you're not. You try to do anything that you have always been doing but your mind was filled with the past memories, the Break Up moments, your regrets and what should have been if you have said or done things differently.

You walk through a place that you and your partner used to spend time together; a park, canteen, class, hall way.. anywhere and your mind lingers to those precious moments. His/her favourite food, the song that used to be "our" song, inside jokes, hobbies, or even the smell of your partner.. it all suddenly came to you and you realised how much you miss your partner.

You buy the things that reminded of him/her. You kept his/her pictures and bring it everywhere with you. You kept a special piece of remnants that he/she once gave you or something that belongs to them and you hold it tight, not keeping it out of sight even for a second. And when your friend rants happily about how happy they are with their partner, you smile and be happy for them but deep inside, your heart aches because you used to be in their shoes.

It happens for as long as your heart aches; a day, a week, a month.. for as long as it aches, you won't be able to move on. But it's not really the time that matters. It's how you deal with it.

I am not afraid or embarrassed to admit that whatever I have described, yes that's exactly how I have dealt with things till this very second. It may be months since it happened but I am still aching. It's funny how I try to hide what I really feel infront of my family and friends. It's funny that Im trying to act all okay when they talk about their partner, when his name was mention, when people show and tell me how happy they are. I forced myself to give another try with guys only to fail it halfway. I simply keep my mouth shut when all I wanna do is rant about how much it hurts because nobody would want to listen to my lame rants and see me cry over something that had happened a long time ago.

Yes, I want to cry on someone's shoulder so bad. I want to rant and let everything out that I have been keeping inside me. I want someone to listen to me. I want someone to know that I am not okay. I want someone to hug me and tell me that everything will be okay. I need that someone.

It's funny that I have many people that I can talk or rely on, but I can't simply find a person who will sit infront of me, eye-to-eye with me and tell me, "Im here. Now tell me what's wrong."

As time goes by, I realised the only person that I can rely on is myself. I tell myself every single day that today, I'll make it through just like the past many days. Hell yeah, it works. & I've been dealing with it alone.

Just being honest,

Lies hurt, but truth hurts more.

2011-07-11T21:04:00.000+08:00

To think back of how I reacted to all those that had happened, I realised I was being foolish. How far can I run and avoid the world out there? No matter where I go or what I do, I can't stop people from talking about me, I can't stop people from hating me and I can't erase history. So, right at this moment, Im facing the world with dignity, tearing down the walls that I've built around me and let them challenge me in my face. This time, Im facing the truth and the harshness of the reality in life.

Yes, things happened. My love story is somewhat similar like any other break up stories, on the surface. But beneath it all, I know what really happened. Family, friends, foes, haters, whoever that knows us might thing it was just another teenage love story. No matter how much support I get from the closest ones, I know deep inside their heart, no matter how small it is, they believe that our love wasn't real.

They can say or think whatever they like. They can just simply hide their thoughts within them or be upfront about it with me, but truth be told, only I know how does it feel. Sure, in some people's eyes, Im the "bad" one, always hurting, always take him for granted. Same goes to the other some of people's eyes, they see him as the one who is not meant for me, the one who have hurt me.

Well.. let's just say.. we were both hurt with each other. We made mistakes, too many in fact, that at one point of time, one of us eventually gave up. It's part and parcel of life. Too many dramas, too many arguments, nobody can ever endure it. Just like how it happened to us. So, what's the big deal? Break up happens. That doesn't mean our love wasn't real.

Now, take a step back and look at the holistic view of our relationship. Was it really like any of those guys who break up because one has lost the spark of the relationship, or was it one of those who always quarrels over the littlest thing and just believe that they can never work it out or perhaps, it was one of those who dumps his/her partner because he/she had enough of the nonsense in a relationship? Technically, yes, that was all the reason for our break up. But our storyline from the beginning that leads to this ending, was nothing like any other normal relationship.

Looking at the couples out there, it gives me a little bit of hope on love, though I am not expecting it anytime soon. There are people out there who went through tougher than what me and him had went through, yet still are together. With all due of my respect, they deserves a pat on the back.

I don't know what's the main point of me typing all this on my first entry. I guess, I just want people out there to know that my broken relationship used to be real. It doesn't matter how fast it ended or how bad it ended, but I believe that me and him used to share a great special feeling with each other.

It may be lost. It may be gone forever and it might not happen again. But it did happened and all I need was a bit of respect from people, especially to those close to me, about us. You can simply take our relationship as just a stupid puppy teenage love, or believe that our relationship was just a fling, or think that we took it as a joke. You can simply hated me or him for what happened in the midst of all of it, or thinks that we are not mature enough to be in a relationship, or even think that we're not meant to be. Yes, think and believe all you want. But we deserve some sort of acknowledgement, that I was once, the girl that he fell in love with, and he was once the boy I fell in love with. We used to be happy, we used to be there for each other. But it happened once upon a time ago, and we're looking at the present and heading towards the future now.

*You can pass this blog around, show it to the world, to my haters, to the people who are part of him about my life. But believe me, whatever I said, it's the truth. I seek for clarity that I am not sulking over the past. It's about you having to digest and mature your brain that whatever that had happened, it was the past, and yes it did happened.

Just being honest,